Day 5 of 2017 Stanley Quips: The Pittsburgh Penguins are going to win the Stanley Cup

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Jay LaPrete/AP Photo

People, this Penguins-Blue Jackets series should not be this easy. But here we are. Pittsburgh came back from a 3-1 deficit last night and basically took the Blue Jackets to the woodshed since the second period until Jake Guentzel put them out of their misery. To go along with that, in the most Pittsburgh way imaginable, they scored a goal seconds after [accidentally] injuring Zack Werenski with a shot to the cheek bone. Instead of the refs stopping play while Werenski was on all fours creating a river of blood all over the ice, they let play to continue, even if it gives the Penguins a proverbial power play as a result of it. That’s just how Pittsburgh rolls.

“Hey buddy, is Marc Andre Fleury really the starting goaltender? No worries, he’ll make sure he overachieves even though he’s been league average at best since 2009. Kris Letang is done for the season? No worries, we’ll make Justin Schultz, the most hated man in Edmonton for some time, be the focal point on the team’s power play. Is Trevor Daley done for the postseason? No worries, Ben Lovejoy will carry us through. Is he out of town and Olli Maata not playing like himself? No worries, we’ll get Ron Hainsey and find some convoluted way to get Mark Streit for a penny on the dollar.”

“Pittsburgh hasn’t had a true farm system since 2008 and we gave it any sign of developing that to get Phil Kessel who may or may not fit into our team? No worries, we’ll sign Connor Sheary as an undrafted free agent and we’ll do the same with Zack Ashton-Reese. Oh, Carl Hagelin is somehow out of favor because he’s just so darn luck starved on a Ducks team that was full of luck-starved players at the time? Don’t worry, we can take him out of your hands for David Perron and have him be the Justin Williams to Kessel’s Evgeni Kuznetsov, exactly like he did when he was with the New York Rangers.”

“Oh, and by the way, we have a third round pick named Jake Guentzel that could be ok. Yeah, I don’t know how we got him, just some ok scrub from the USHL that turned out to tear it up in the toughest conference in college hockey before he turned pro. Yeah, I know, growing fruits from that third round of the draft tree are terrible, but we got a lucky one, just like we always do. Oh, and did you know them boys from Philly could have drafted him? Yeah man, had to give it up to get Nick Grossman and somehow that pick came to us when we needed Brenden Morrow. Can you believe it?!”

“Boy, that Jim Rutherford sure is smart, good thing we saved him from that eternal Dollar Store of a place that is the Carolina Hurricanes. Gave those dudes a Stanley Cup and never made sure the bank was always open when Jimmy needed to replenish the roster! Can you believe those guys? Yeah, but boy did he save us from the cap crunch that Ray Shero put us in that looked like we could never recover.”

“Indeed. Hey, remember when coach Sullivan told us he’s going to put that newborn Sheary on the same line as Crosby so Chris Kunitz can age gracefully on the third line….with Kessel as his linemate? Yeah man, who knew putting your best players on separate lines would work so well? Yeah, he gave us another cup even though he picked that teenager Murray instead of our beloved Fleury and we had no big name defensemen if Letang broke down again. Now he wants Guentzel with Crosby too?! Got to trust the coach, I guess.”

I really hate Pittsburgh.

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