Day 19 of 2017 Stanley Quips: Who is My Second Team to Win This Year’s Stanley Cup?

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Nick Wass/AP

We’re getting close to 48 hours since Washington’s Game 2 debacle, and as usual, it was scarring. You try to find something else on TV to watch that night only to realize there’s nothing better. You try to find another hobby to do only to realize there’s nothing that makes you stop thinking about throwing objects at the television, hallway or any direction beyond its current location. You try to remember that you’re turning 30 years old and have no business complaining about people younger than you trying to accomplish your supposed hopes and dreams only to realize that it doesn’t make you feel any better.

So I’m trying my best to enjoy this hockey postseason even though the Caps won’t let me, especially after seeing that Barry Trotz is doing dumb things again. Plenty of my friends around me are talking about the teams that they are rooting for that are not their own to win the Stanley Cup. So for the sake of some form of decompression, here are my reasons why I will or won’t root for every team to root for winning the Stanley Cup.

Pittsburgh: Sam Ventura is my dude but…Bro! Really?!

Ottawa: Micah Blake McCurdy is my dude, but man is Eugene Melnyk one of the biggest piles of garbage the modern game currently possesses. Simply put, the Senators will only win a Stanley Cup in spite of analytics and in spite of him and never the other way around.

Along with that, just like how I feel about Nate Schmidt, every compliment given to Erik Karlsson now sounds exactly like an insult to anyone that didn’t realize how good he was beforehand. The dashing Swede has been hall-of-fame caliber since, at minimum, 2010 and he hasn’t looked back ever since. He’s also been, by far, Sweden’s best defensemen in international competition since Nicklas Lidstrom’s retirement. If that doesn’t say something, I don’t know what does. Finally, he’s sharing his array of skills to the rest of the world. Plus, I like the idea of Toronto Maple Leafs schadenfreude 2.0 if Dion Phaneuf wins a Stanley Cup. Lastly, Craig Anderson is one great human being.

And yet, this defenseman will probably be another Ray Bourque: a defenseman that is surrounded by the presence of a scumbag owner who never cares about players’ rights, is among the greatest opponents for any non-Canadian to play in the Olympics and never invests on his own team. You’re in Canada Genie! Spend some money for once! Until this dude is out of here with the same desperation as fans want Dan Snyder out of here, I can’t root for them. Ever.

New York Rangers: I like the idea of having Henrik Lundqvist winning a Stanley Cup…and maybe Ryan McDonagh. Don’t forget Mika Zibanejad too, because once again, Eugene Melnyk is Emporer Palpatine without his cloak and he always gets what he deserves. Still, this is a Metropolitan Division team we’re talking about and they’re taking advantage of playing every Atlantic Division team that is worse than them. They’re also a sub 50% puck possession team and they have Chris Kreider playing for them. No thanks.

Anaheim: We already talked about Toronto Maple Leafs schadenfreude, but are you seriously telling me one of the most anti-analytics head coaches in the NHL in Randy Carlyle will have an easier path and a better chance at winning the Stanley Cup than Washington is?! Also, who really likes Corey Perry beyond Ducks fans and how is Rickard Rakell not the next Gustav Nyquist (that’s an insult, by the way)?

Edmonton: Just like Pittsburgh in 2009, the love fest towards Connor McDavid winning the Stanley Cup is going to be so unbearable, it will make all of Canada forget that Alex Ovechkin ever scored a single goal professionally. Then, all of the Canadian media will keep gloating in ways that you can’t avoid for the rest of your life because that’s how hockey works.

Nashville: Listen, if there is anyone that is king of the “Leave P.K. Subban alone!” fan club, it is me. There’s nothing perfect than to see him wallow it up towards the Tennessee faithful by raising that 30-pound masterpiece and make it the shiniest middle finger towards the establishment. Also, it is criminal how little credit David Poile is getting as one of the greatest general managers of his era. It would only be fitting to see a guy like him win it all. Lastly, dat top forward line!

Still, the Filip Forsberg trade will forever scar me and I’ll never forgive anyone that thought it was a good idea to make the move happen. Sorry Preds!

St. Louis: Robb Tufts is my dude, and I love Vladimir Tarasenko, Ivan Barbashev, Jori Lehtera, Jayden Schwartz, Colton Parayko and Alex Pietrangelo. Also, anytime you bring back a Russian from the KHL wilderness, I am in. Still, THEY LOST THE KEVIN SHATTENKIRK TRADE!!!! This isn’t an argument. This is a fact. Zach Sanford is worse than Jakub Vrana and they won’t have enough draft picks to replace Shatty’s overall skillset when counted upon against the really good teams in the NHL, which is only Pittsburgh and Washington. Also, you’re really telling me with a straight face this team is going to win the Stanley Cup after having their entire roster get worse for the second straight season?!?!? No thanks.

Welp. It’s looking like I’ll be a grouchy Caps fan. Come on DC!

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